In a previous post I had stated that lately I’ve been talking with others and giving them a fresh perspective on their issues, and thinking about my own situation as a consequence of that.
Well, in case there was any proof that I cannot take my own advice, last Saturday one of my hard drives suffered a catastrophic failure. It happens, I’ve been in IT long enough to know that it’s just how things go. Except I did not have a full backup even though I thought I had, and I lost some important stuff. Panic ensued, the whole five stages of grief, and whatnot. Ever since that happened, I’ve been wondering if it’s just a metaphor of my current situation: everything’s fine on the surface, but with countless disasters just waiting to happen due to incompetence. That just reinforces my impostor syndrome, of course.
And if that weren’t enough, last night I managed to possibly ruin a friendship because of my issues. Being told about others’ love lives, or attempted love lives anyway, makes me uneasy. I realized it’s often flat-out envy, which is the most horrible feeling one can have, due to my own being stuck, as I said in my previous post. I followed up this morning explaining everything, in a long message, and my friend has read but not replied, not a single word. Of course my brain’s in full panic mode and I’m hating myself even further. In my mind I was just being honest, probably even too honest, and made sure I pointed out multiple times that it was an issue of mine, not theirs or anyone else’s. I’m the one who’s broken in the head. But not a word has come so far and I’m starting to think the friendship’s cracked beyond repair. Who would want to stay friends with a friend who can’t even be a friend?
(But see, the thing is that I just feel as if I were the last man on earth. Nobody fully understands how I feel, how “stuck” I am. Even those who occasionally do try, don’t really “get” it. And see, here’s the issue: I sort of wish someone did, which is another horrible thing to say. A few years ago I had opened up to a friend because they seemed to understand and share some of my struggle, but they were eventually manipulated by someone and turned against me, and I was given such a cold attitude that made me physically sick. More recently, I got to know someone who also didn’t drink and apparently acted like a fellow introvert; then they went on holiday and came back semi-alcoholic and a crazy party person. I couldn’t help but feel somewhat betrayed: I was glad for their getting “unstuck”, but that also meant that I was alone again, as I just can’t bring myself to get out of my shell. How horrible is that of me to say? But perhaps, in the end, I am not unlike junkies, or drinkers for that matter: they want people to join in their addiction, and get annoyed if someone chickens out. Is it really such a horrible thing to just wish that I found someone as broken as I am, so that we could both feel less alone?)