Diary of a Prisoner No parole allowed

2017-12-17

Self-fulfilling prophecies

Filed under: Blog — Tags: , , — Inmate #840528 @ 11:41

In my previous post I mentioned how my mind sometimes races and paranoia kicks in, as it did on irc when I was being ignored. It went like this: on irc, each user has a counter called the idle time, which tells you how much time has elapsed since that user said anything to anyone. It normally doesn’t show unless you’re on the same server, but there’s a way to request that anyway (just running the whois command with the recipient mentioned twice). It often happened that I was talking with someone in private chat, and they stopped replying. After a while they would say they had to leave the computer, something pretty odd to begin with since at the time you were not always-on and you made the most out of each minute you stayed online given that you did indeed pay by the minute, and that’s why they had stopped talking. Except they were lying: looking at their idle time I could see very clearly that it continuously reset to very low values, meaning they were indeed talking, just ignoring me. I’m aware that it’s borderline paranoia, but is it really paranoia when it’s true?

That’s been the common thread in my life: being ignored and, pretty often, just dumped without a word or an explanation. That’s why I’m so insecure around people, that’s why I have a hard time believing in “forever”, or that I am interesting at all for anyone. Most of the times I am the one who has to seek out others even just for a hello, and trust me, I’ve tried. I’ve tried not looking for anyone for a few days and the truth is that nobody looks for me first, except in rare cases. And looking for those clues of being ignored, something that modern-day messaging platforms make very easy, literally too easy, by means of double checkmarks or “last online” notices that cannot be hidden, has almost turned into a form of psychological self-harm. But again, is it self-harm or is it just me trying to find anything that’s actually true and real in the midst of all the fakeness?

And so my mind starts racing. Yesterday that friend of mine stated she was on the train, and a story on instagram gave a clue that she was bound for the city where that guy is. Good for her if he’s good to her. And yet it hurts, and again it’s not jealousy. It’s that she’s got the guts to hop on a train that covers literally half the country, and I wasn’t able to make myself go to my old school for the orientation event (it would have been nice to see it again after so many years and I may have met someone there too). And the worst part is that our friendship is taking a toll. She doesn’t talk to me because she doesn’t want to hurt me with those things, which are indeed important to her; and I don’t talk to her for fear of saying anything that makes her say anything about that. And yesterday I saw she hadn’t used a messenger we use for hours, and I thought: she’s enjoying her time with him. And every time I opened instagram I was scared, and still am, to see something about them together, or hint that they spent the night together, sharing a kind of intimacy that I haven’t experienced in a long time. It’s like furiously running that double whois command on irc to see if I was being ignored; and the worst thing is that part of me clearly wants to be wrong, but part of me appreciates that I was right, even though it’s the worst outcome. At least I’m not completely wrong about everything, in a sense. But at what cost? What’s the advantage of being right about something painful?

And the really worst part is that it’s someone I care about, I truly do. And I hate feeling like this sort of ancestral resentment towards her because I’m supposed to be her friend, and I would like to be her friend. I’d like to be happy for her when she’s happy and support her when she’s not; and until recently I have sort of managed, but things took a turn for the worst recently for me and it turned into envy, something I absolutely hate myself for. She shouldn’t be losing a friend because that friend’s got his own issues. It’s unfair. And it makes me hate myself further.

How do I get out it?

2017-12-11

It happened again

Filed under: Blog — Tags: , , , , , — Inmate #840528 @ 01:35

I read that writing supposedly helps, that when you have a bad thought you should put it in writing as soon as you have it, so that your mind doesn’t sit on it and plays with it. I don’t know if that’s true because I do keep a list of things that happen to me during the day and I mark them as positive, negative or neutral (which really is neutral-negative, or rather: not great but didn’t actively bring me down, if that makes any sense), and it doesn’t really feel like it’s helping. But here we go anyway, let’s try this again. I suppose that having told a person or two about this blog sort of gives it a bit more of a purpose, since it doesn’t look like hordes of anonymous reads are flocking to it anyway. And what’s writing without an audience?

Anyway, it happened again today. That feeling of inadequacy and comparing myself to others. I cannot get into specifics for obvious reasons, but someone I mentioned before was out of town today, and that alone was enough to rekindle my feeling of being stuck. Here’s someone who just hops on a bus, or train, or whatever, and travels almost 400 km for the hell of it; and here I am, for whom going to the next town on a map to spend a few hours with a friend feels like a gargantuan accomplishment that requires hours, if not days, of mental planning. And then my mind started racing, much like it used to do back on irc when I was being ignored, which I’ll talk about at some point. I looked for this guy I know she’s getting involved with, and found him; he has photos with his girlfriend, whom he seldom mentioned to my friend, and on her profile (the girlfriend’s I mean) she has a photo of them together (with the guy) mentioning their “unengagement” party. My brain quickly put things together: they’re splitting up so he can get with my friend. And I’m happy for her, if he treats her well, except I can’t help being a little jealous, and just plain envious, I admit, because again I feel stuck while others do this sort of crazy thing. It looks like nobody can stay single for more than a month and I quit a sort-of-kind-of long-distance relationship almost two years ago and it still feels like yesterday. And the guy apparently got on the cover of a magazine for something, and is a skilled musician; all things I kind of dabble in but certainly am not magazine material. Not that I want to be, mind you, but I can’t help but compare myself to this person I don’t even know. And there’s another thing about him that made me uneasy but I just can’t say it; it’s nothing inherently wrong or bad, just something that may have an effect on my friend and, in a sense, spoil one thing we sort of playfully shared.

I’m fully aware that I have no rights on anything, but it’s that sense of betrayal, once again, amplified by the fact that it really looks like everyone claims to have love issues yet they all actively seek it, everyone claims to be sad yet everyone quickly gets over it, and so on; it’s as if nobody is really miserable, and as a consequence nobody understands my being so. We’ve already been over how badly and guilty I feel about feeling like that, so I won’t repeat myself. I know I’m a terrible person for even thinking anything along those lines. It’s not even about being single, mind you. Another good friend was lucky enough to meet a good person and it seems to be working out for her, I suppose, because I don’t ask about it lest it makes me feel like that again (and that in turn makes me feel like I’m a bad friend, once again), and it’s not like she was actively seeking love, assuming that it leads to that anyway, yet she did found someone.

That’s the issue with me. It’s not about being single. Every time I try to talk about this with someone, I fail to make this point and it just adds to the sense of feeling alone. I don’t think I’d be ready for a relationship, not a traditional one anyway, so that’s not what I’m looking for. My problem is that I feel like I have no chance of finding someone even if I wanted to.  It’s not having the opportunity. And part of that is because of me not putting myself out there, true. But part of that is also because I am not attractive. And no, I don’t think that looks are necessarily the only thing, but they certainly do mean something. If you don’t like someone’s looks at all, it’s unlikely it’ll grow on you over time even if you like the person. Not impossible, but unlikely; especially if there is no physical attraction whatsoever. And I know I’m not attractive. I could lose some (quite a bit of) weight, and I just don’t like my looks; I was never the attractive one. I can’t recall a single person who had a crush on me in person. Online it’s sort of different, you get to know me for me first and foremost, but then the moment you meet me in person, it’s game over. I’m not saying I’m hideous. But I’m not anyone’s first choice. I suppose the only silver lining about the aforementioned friend is that this sort-of-unengaged guy is not particularly attractive, which I reckon may give me a sense of hope. But again, it’s not about finding love, not actually, not in practice. It’s about the chance. It’s about being denied a whole chunk of the human experience. And I know that a lot of this is my depression talking, and my anxiety, and maybe the memories from my childhood that my brain has conveniently stashed aside yet not that well. I hate myself for it because I know that most of this is in my head. I know it is. So I’m chubby, so I’m no Tom Cruise (or whomever women like nowadays), so I’m not good at playing Mozart on the piano. But I’m pretty much a normal guy. I think. Because as I was typing that, I wondered: is there anything really broken about me? And part of my mind thought: no, you’re overall pretty decent, you may a bit quirkier than average but it’s nothing earth-shattering. But another part went: are you kidding me? sit down because this will be a long list.

I just want the chance, really just the chance, to do normal things. Even suffer for someone, not because of someone. I keep mentioning couples because that’s the basis of human contact, in the end. I just wish I could get out of my shell and live life, be it good or bad. So far it’s only been bad, I look at my past and I only see negative experiences: with my family, with other people. I have very few good memories to hold on to, and my parents aren’t getting any younger. Besides them, I have nobody. That’s what’s making me feel worse and worse, subconsciously, I think. What’s the point of life if you’re alone? I wish I had a local friend to do silly things with, to just hang out with; I wish I could get myself to do it, especially, because once again I’m the barrier, the obstacle, the hindrance. I watch movies and see people doing things and it feels normal, and it feels nice; and then it’s over, and I feel empty and that’s because the illusion is over. Sometimes it comes apart sooner, sometimes characters get heartbroken over something or someone, and I realize I crave that pain. Anything, really, to feel alive, to get out of this stalemate with myself. I find myself easily moved; all it takes is a quote about life, or a personal story, or even a well-made tv commercial. But it’s not being moved out of beauty; it’s sadness for myself, as if I were mourning myself. And I know a lot about mourning, unfortunately. And that’s another thing that makes no sense, because I of all people should know better, I of all people should be aware that life doesn’t last forever and should take action before it’s too late. Why can’t I? What is wrong with me?

Maybe I should look into therapy, at least the chatty kind, not the druggy kind.  But it’s logistically impossible for the time being, and to be completely honest it scares me. Because I have a hard time admitting certain things even to myself; especially digging into the past, it’s something I’ve always struggled with. I don’t even do that with the people I consider friends. Doing that with a stranger feels like a nightmare. And it’s expensive, and I don’t even know if there are good ones around here anyway. How do you even talk to a therapist about your innermost secrets, your most shameful thoughts, without feeling judged? How do you deal with making yourself so vulnerable? How can you even trust them, or anyone really, with certain things? And what if you spend thousands over years and it doesn’t help? At least writing here is free.

A few days ago I had a bit of a revelation about myself, but I think I was with someone else and couldn’t write it down. I can’t remember. Maybe it was a dream? I really can’t remember, I just had a sudden realization about one of the reasons I may be like this. Not that knowing the root cause necessarily helps, in fact it probably doesn’t because I’m pretty sure it’s rooted in my childhood so the only thing I can do is to accept it and move on anyway. But it made sense, and I even remember feeling like I was onto something. But I didn’t write it down, I didn’t take a note, and it just escaped me. I don’t even know if it happened, if I actually did have this enlightenment moment, or just somehow fabricated a memory of it. See, sometimes I manage to gaslight myself.

But that’s the problem, overall. There is no direct solution. And talking to people doesn’t help, and I got to the point where I don’t even want to. It just feels pointless, and they want to help, and yet can’t, so they feel bad and I feel guilty. Even worse, as I said, I can’t even explain myself. I don’t know how to put it into words that it’s not a matter of being single, it’s a matter of not having any self-esteem, of not seeing anything worthy about myself, so that nobody, be it a potential partner or just about anyone really, would have any interest in me whatsoever. If I feel like I have nothing to offer to anyone, or that I am flat-out a complete failure as a human being, how can I expect anyone to want anything to do with me?

2017-11-21

On being horrible

Filed under: Blog — Tags: , , , — Inmate #840528 @ 17:25

In a previous post I had stated that lately I’ve been talking with others and giving them a fresh perspective on their issues, and thinking about my own situation as a consequence of that.

Well, in case there was any proof that I cannot take my own advice, last Saturday one of my hard drives suffered a catastrophic failure. It happens, I’ve been in IT long enough to know that it’s just how things go. Except I did not have a full backup even though I thought I had, and I lost some important stuff. Panic ensued, the whole five stages of grief, and whatnot. Ever since that happened, I’ve been wondering if it’s just a metaphor of my current situation: everything’s fine on the surface, but with countless disasters just waiting to happen due to incompetence. That just reinforces my impostor syndrome, of course.

And if that weren’t enough, last night I managed to possibly ruin a friendship because of my issues. Being told about others’ love lives, or attempted love lives anyway, makes me uneasy. I realized it’s often flat-out envy, which is the most horrible feeling one can have, due to my own being stuck, as I said in my previous post. I followed up this morning explaining everything, in a long message, and my friend has read but not replied, not a single word. Of course my brain’s in full panic mode and I’m hating myself even further. In my mind I was just being honest, probably even too honest, and made sure I pointed out multiple times that it was an issue of mine, not theirs or anyone else’s. I’m the one who’s broken in the head. But not a word has come so far and I’m starting to think the friendship’s cracked beyond repair. Who would want to stay friends with a friend who can’t even be a friend?

(But see, the thing is that I just feel as if I were the last man on earth. Nobody fully understands how I feel, how “stuck” I am. Even those who occasionally do try, don’t really “get” it. And see, here’s the issue: I sort of wish someone did, which is another horrible thing to say. A few years ago I had opened up to a friend because they seemed to understand and share some of my struggle, but they were eventually manipulated by someone and turned against me, and I was given such a cold attitude that made me physically sick. More recently, I got to know someone who also didn’t drink and apparently acted like a fellow introvert; then they went on holiday and came back semi-alcoholic and a crazy party person. I couldn’t help but feel somewhat betrayed: I was glad for their getting “unstuck”, but that also meant that I was alone again, as I just can’t bring myself to get out of my shell. How horrible is that of me to say? But perhaps, in the end, I am not unlike junkies, or drinkers for that matter: they want people to join in their addiction, and get annoyed if someone chickens out. Is it really such a horrible thing to just wish that I found someone as broken as I am, so that we could both feel less alone?)

2017-09-17

Would anyone even notice?

Filed under: Blog — Tags: , , , , — Inmate #840528 @ 10:35

I don’t have many friends. I never have, really. Most of my friendships are born online, for a variety of reasons; mostly, it’s easier for me to feel at ease without the added fear, or anxiety if you will, of being judged for how I look, or how I dress, or how I move, or how I speak. Moreover, I’m an introvert and I just don’t do well in social situations, so I simply have few opportunities of meeting new people, especially since I finished my school cycle. Working from home is cherry on top, but that’s something I actually welcome. The thing is that is even when I have the chance to be social, I am not the kind of person who will strike up a conversation with strangers. Being an introvert nerd, my interests lie with the deep, and I’m given to understand that it’s inappropriate to discuss the question of life, the universe and everything with strangers.

So most of my friendships start online, and sometimes, if distance allows, they become physical; they don’t have to in order to be real, mind, indeed I have had far more honest friendships with people I never had the chance to meet than with people I had spent years going to school with.

And yet, the allegedly “more real” part of friendship, that is the meeting up and doing things together, often leaves me sorely disappointed. I am very easily forgotten. Oftentimes attempts to meet up, with all the best intentions, wind up into nothing. Not once, not twice, but repeatedly. There are people who claimed to care about me and wanting to meet me who never found a few spare hours in over a year, despite us living a couple dozen kilometers away; on my end, my only request was to be told at least one or two days before as I have work arrangements to deal with, but other than that , I’m generally easily available. In all fairness, however, I have had appointments I took a raincheck on due to sudden anxiety, though I’m working on that because sometimes forcing myself is all I need to have a very good time. I’m thinking about one person in particular here, who is actually currently going through some problems, and whom I would love to help out if only I could. That also makes me feel even more useless: I rationally know it’s just how it is, from my own experience, but my subconscious disagrees.

The worst part is when such things happen even online. With a few notable exceptions, I’m the one who always initiates a conversation with others. Perhaps it’s laziness on their part, knowing I will look for them. But it’s hard not to think that if I didn’t look for them, they would not look for me either. And sometimes, in a bout of psychological self-harm, I do just that: I stop looking for them and see how long it takes until anyone looks for me first. It is true that some don’t out of respect, because they know that my response to being overwhelmed is to withdraw, and I appreciate it. But at the same time, after a while, it simply becomes evident that I’m easily disposable.

If I’m around, good; if I’m not, who cares? But is it even good at all if I am around? It makes me wonder. It certainly doesn’t help my self-esteem to be made painfully aware that I may disappear, and few would even notice until much later.

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