Diary of a Prisoner No parole allowed

What most “sane” people seem to be unable to understand is that dealing with depression, anxiety and paranoia is not something that people like me choose to do. We can’t just shut it down. Telling us to “just try to get better” simply doesn’t work, because we have no control over it. We certainly don’t enjoy it and even though some people may pretend to be depressed for attention, the ones truly dealing with this would love nothing more than to be free from it.

Paranoia in particular is a the root of all evil, at least for me. I don’t mean paranoia in the medical term: I don’t suffer from delusions that someone’s out there trying to kill me, or anything of the kind. I mean it in the more colloquial sense of the term: I often second-guess myself to the point of causing things that, had I not worried about them happening, would have no happened. For instance, I read between the lines when I talk with someone (be it in person or on the phone or online) and the smallest thing in their responses will set my concern off. Did I say something wrong? Was I misunderstand? Did I come across as an asshole? A while back I decided to go for a full-disclosure policy: with those people I am closer to and open with, I will just say it immediately: “just to be clear, I meant it like that”, or: “just to be sure, are you okay with what I said?”, occasionally poking fun at myself: “my paranoia says hello”. Now, to be perfectly clear — see, it’s happening right now — it’s not like I’m constantly second-guessing every single word I say or hear, nor I pester everyone I talk to with requests for confirmation. But it is a thing with me, and it has caused problems in the past. Especially for the less patient, it can quickly grow old; and several people lost interest in dealing with me because of that, directly or otherwise.

The line between paranoia and anxiety is very, very thin. Paranoia is more about the “perceived perception” of me by others, and it fuels anxiety. The thing is: those who never experienced it are simply unable to get it. Just like a dog can smell the individual ingredients of a hamburger one by one, we can’t even understand what that’s like: to us that’s just the smell of a hamburger, with minor differences between one hamburger and the next. That’s why it’s so difficult for me to even admit it, let alone fix it. How do you fix something that’s always been part of you? It’s like telling a color-blind person to just try to see red; they don’t even know what red is.

Lately I’ve tried an experiment. I would consistently apply the “worry tree” that a friend suggested to me a while ago, and see if it made any difference. This is what that is:

I generally find the whole idea of “self-help” stuff a ridiculous hoax, but this makes sense. The problem is: how the hell do you apply that kind of thing? Because, see, my problem is that when my paranoia hits, I am fully aware that I’m being paranoid and irrational. I know it, I can see that I am making no sense, that I am overreacting and overthinking, yet I have no idea how to stop it, and that makes even more frustrating, and leads me to feel like I’m a broken person with no hopes of ever being normal. Fighting your own brain is tough.

So I came up with a little trick: what would I tell someone who came to me and told me they are in the same situation I’m actually in? How would I react? What would my suggestion be? My idea was: if I can force myself to look at the situation from the outside, I may be able to talk some sense into myself. Note that this has nothing to do with multiple personality disorder or anything of the sort, which I’m thankfully spared of. It’s just a way to try and see the bigger picture.

A little aside is needed here. For one of my jobs, I have to undergo a monthly evaluation of some work I have done earlier in the month. This is generally nerve-wracking, especially as I am not told when the evaluation is coming; I can generally tell what work is going to be evaluated, but I don’t know when the evaluation itself will be. That usually propels me into a spiral of anxiety, because my ability to continue working for this company depends on that evaluation. This is anxiety, not paranoia: it’s not about how I am perceived, it’s “merely” about my financial future. I often feel like I just wish the evaluation were sent already, regardless of the outcome: good or bad, I’d be out of misery either way.

After the evaluation did come last month, I felt relieved and decided to apply the aforementioned trick, with a twist: I would focus on the positive things in my life. Just like I’m rationally aware I’m being irrational when paranoia and anxiety hit, I’m also rationally aware that things are going pretty well for me, especially compared to a few years ago. I have enough work to be able to make impulsive purchases if I want to, and I’m doing well at all my jobs. I’m also good at what many things I do, and several people look up to me as an expert, if not an authority, in various fields. The problem with anxiety is that all of that fades out as soon as one minor negative thing pop up: I can have a thousand people telling me I’m great, but one minor critique will be all I focus on. Again, this is not something I choose to do, and not something I enjoy; it’s just how I am, as hard to believe as that may sound to some people.

I didn’t take notes so I can’t make a list of the positives, but for a while it worked. The evaluation had gone well. The new work to be evaluated later this month was simple enough (something to remember when I get anxious in a few weeks). I am improving my skills at something I have been practicing. I fixed several technical issues I was having. I have been studying a few things, which always makes me happy. Sure, a few bad things happened: a conversation with a friend went a little badly and they were bummed by my answers (I’m deliberately using “they” to avoid saying whether it’s a male or female friend), but after clarifying what I meant, I stopped worrying: if they insist in misunderstanding me, it’s not my problem. I had a little hiccup with one of my jobs: it happens, I’m human, the company still appreciates my work and knows that it’s bound to happen every now and then, so I tried to put my perfectionism aside: it took a lot of effort because, as I said, a minor problem overshadows a million great things, but I managed.

But then something started making it all more difficult. Maybe it’s the weather — gloomy weather makes me very sad, for various reasons I won’t get into right now — or maybe it’s just that this kind of thinking is tiresome for me because it’s not natural, and it takes a lot of effort. Maybe it’s because the work that I’ll be evaluated on was less than usual, and I don’t know if more will come: if not, my evaluation may suffer, because one mistake will be statistically weigh more. Maybe it’s because my mind feels tricked by itself, and as I said, fighting your own brain is tough. I’m slowly reverting to the old habit of overthinking, overanalyzing and overworrying. I still have the worry tree firmly planted in my head, but it’s becoming harder to apply. What happens is that I start thinking: “well yes, maybe it’s alright and this person has a million ways to reply like that, maybe they’re just busy; but what if they are indeed bothered by what I said?”

There are many things that I know I have to work on, and I am fully aware that I may just never “become normal”. But it’s a start, and the early results of the experiment were encouraging. Perhaps it will just take some training, and it’ll become second nature to focus on the positive, even though it’ll still be something I’ll have to do on purpose. Look at me: I’m being somewhat optimistic. It’s raining and it’s dark outside, but it’s not a bad day. And that’s a huge thing.